Error from Dominic Furniss

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My weird and wonderful experience of male lactation!

It was a normal day in our household, or at least as normal as normal could be when you’re into the fifth week since the birth of your first child. We had roast chicken for dinner, watched some TV and were preparing to go to bed. I picked up the baby and carried her upstairs.

As we got to the bedroom I felt a moist sensation on my chest, right where my nipple was. “Weird,” I thought. I put the baby down and touched my shirt. My nipple was hard and a dark moist patch had appeared on my shirt. “What the hell?” surely I couldn’t be lactating? I recalled a friend of mine had told me this was possible but I didn’t pay much attention to them at the time, in any case it must be pretty rare. I ran downstairs to my wife, “Look at this,” I showed her the moist area around my nipple, “There’s fluid around my nipple, I think it’s leaking.” She laughed and called me a prat. Undeterred I took my shirt off and following many evenings of watching her express her milk I started to squeeze my boob to see if any milk would come out. She watched as I did this and said that I couldn’t be lactating, but the evidence was pointing to the contrary! I was strangely excited, curious and so I continued to hand pump my breast. Fleeting thoughts of sharing breast-feeding duties, and issues of breast-feeding with a hairy chest flashed through my mind.

But it came to nothing, and my boob felt sore. I felt a new moist patch on my shirt, similarly small in size to the first but this time slightly lower down. I touched it and it appeared to be soft, like a lump. I reached inside my shirt pocket to find a small piece of wet stuffing there. The penny dropped and my episode of spectacular male lactation came crashing down. Just before picking up the baby I reached over to finish off the leftovers from my wife’s chicken dinner – a bit of stuffing must of fallen into my shirt pocket before it reached my mouth. Coincidentally it stopped long enough just where my nipple was which explained where the fluid appeared to be coming from.

Of course this was hilarious to my wife. I re-buttoned my shirt and went back to normal. No leaks to worry about, just a dirty shirt. #errordiary

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